The Waiting Dog (Part Four)
Cho Kyuhyun closes his eyes, has officially taken over by the situation. His hands are holding onto Choi Siwon’s uniform, trying hard not to lose balance. The sensation is surreal, the kisses deliver electric shock all over his body. Siwon’s lips taste rough, rough and forceful. Yet at the same time, the mouth produces sweet saliva that runs through Kyuhyun’s throat as if it wants to connect two bodies to become one.
Few minutes later, Kyuhyun decides to push Siwon’s body. The adorable young boy whines as he squeezes his own chest. “St… stop it. Hhh… I can’t breathe… my chest hurts so much. I’m too nervous, I feel like throwing up.”
“Maybe because… you’re my first kiss?”
“Idiot…” Siwon chuckles. “How am I suppose to stop wanting to kiss you when you said something like that? If you really wanna reject me, you should just slap me. Or hit me. Or tell me that you hate me.”
Kyuhyun pouts. “But why should I say that I hate you, when you and I both know that I love you?”
Now, Siwon is laughing. “You’re hopeless, you know that.”
Siwon decides to take a few steps backward and let Kyuhyun free. He, on the other hand, is leaning on his side of the bridge fence while busy managing his panting breath. “Fine, I’m gonna let you go for now. But since it’s the last day of school, we have to see each other outside. Let’s meet again at this bridge, how about tomorrow?”
Kyuhyun frowns, rubbing his swelling lips. “Kissing again?”
“No, dummy. Dating.”
“Who else? I’m gonna take you to the movie, treat you dinner, walk you home, and yes… then I will probably do the third kissing attempt.”
There’s a sudden red blush on Kyuhyun’s cheeks. “Ss… sure.”
Siwon smiles cheerfully while glancing on the two side roads that they soon have to take. Weird… as far as he remembers, the forest only had one side road leading to town. So, how come there are two now? Which one should he take then? Left or right?
It is as if Kyuhyun could read Siwon’s mind, the boy is slowly walking at the end of the short bridge, heading to the right track. “My place is that way.”
Siwon frowns. “Are you sure? Fine, let’s go then.”
“No.” Kyuhyun shakes his head. “This is as far as you can go.”
“I’m not gonna let you walk home alone.”
“We will meet tomorrow again, right? Just as you said.”
“But…” It’s weirder how Siwon can’t seem to let go of Kyuhyun. He has this strong urge to pull Kyuhyun into his arms again, though knowing that it will probably freak the boy out. There is something that doesn’t feel right.
Catching Kyuhyun’s hand once again, Siwon wants to make sure that the fear he feels doesn’t mean anything. “Wait…” He tries to postpone. “From now on, everything will be different.” Siwon kisses Kyuhyun’s left cheek. “You will only feel happiness in this fucked up world. No more pain, I will take care of you.” He then kisses Kyuhyun’s right cheek as well.
"I..." There's a fine rosey blush on both of Kyuhyun's cheeks as the boy smiles shy. "I... love you..."
"Yes, I know that, more than enough." Siwon chuckles. "You've said it like... million of times already."
With a heavy heart, Siwon finally let go of Kyuhyun. He let the boy walks further from him, idiotly nervous and stiff. Siwon is using the moment to look carefully at Kyuhyun and whatever detail is. The way he walks with his cute pair of feet, the way the wind blows his straight hair, the way the afternoon crafts his dark silhouette as he gets further and further… turn around... turn around...
As if two hearts and minds connect into one, the walking Kyuhyun is slowing his steps and tenderly turns around in the count of second. The pale and soft-hearted boy, is staring at the desperate Siwon, tries as best as he can to make the separation easier. So he waves, and he smiles. As his smile gets wider and happier, Siwon is slowly smiling too.
Standing there like a fool, Choi Siwon doesn’t really know what to do anymore. He wish he could just run and hugs the boy again, tighter than before. But his feet tell him to stay still and his eyes tell him to patiently watch as Kyuhyun’s shadow disappears through the sunlight that belongs to the beginning of hot season. Every second and every minute… is spent with the fear of losing.
But he shouldn’t feel like that, right? Tomorrow he will still be able to meet Kyuhyun again, right? Tomorrow he will have the best day of his life. What outfit should he wear? Since he’s back as a teenager again, wearing tuxedo would be ridiculous. Ah~ planning is good. Now that he lives in the past, he will have the chance to change everything bad that ought to happen in the future.
“Egh…” Siwon is narrowing his eyes, he suddenly feels a bit of sore. He lifts his finger to touch his own nose, feeling that something is dripping out of it. As he looks, he is a bit surprised knowing that it’s blood. “Shit… nosebleed.” Wiping the endless blood that now dropping on his uniform, Siwon slowly realizes something. This reminds him of the day when he received the news about Kyuhyun’s transferal. That hell of a day when he first noticed that he would never be able to see Kyuhyun again…
Never… be able to see…
“Kyuhyun…” Holding his nose, he is starting to lose balance. The tall boy quickly takes grip on a big tree next to him, feeling all nauseous that he can barely stand straight. “Kyuhyun…!!” His sight gradually turns whiter each second, the one color he hates the most. And as he struggles for breath, he remembers Kyuhyun’s letter which was read for him back in the yard.
Stand straight, walk away, laugh loud, be well. Even if one day I have to leave you, even if one day you have to be left alone. Hate me, but forget me not…
Was it a sign? Was it a sign that Kyuhyun will once again leave him alone in misery and desperation? What is happening? Is this some sort of a mind trick? Siwon is haunted with a sudden panic that he forces his feet to walk to the path that Kyuhyun previously took. But it’s strange how he gradually lose his strength, within second his body collapse on the dusty ground. His eyes are starting to get blurry as his hand is reaching for an empty space. “Kyu…” His eyes are now shut, right at the same time when white spiral light is fulfilling his sight. “…hyun…”
Tick… tock… tick… tock…
“Kyuhyun!!!” Choi Siwon wakes up all of a sudden, his sweat is dripping on his forehead and his breath is panting like mad. His eyes are opened widely as he looks around in shock. The stupid clock, the corrected financial report, the Mahogany table, the expensive replica of Le Bassin Aux Nymphéas… he is… he is at his own apartment!
But… how could it be?!! He was in his high school time! How could he possibly be back at his own apartment?!!
Siwon runs to his bathroom, just to stand still and watch the reflection of his own face at the mirror in front of the sink. What he is seeing right now is the one thing he wishes he doesn’t see… it is him. The one who physic and mental have been through 12 years experience, filled with long miserable regret. It is the grown up him, who has spent his years- longing and wanting to pay his mistake in the past.
“No…” He walks out of the bathroom in totter steps. “It can’t be…”
The man stumbles on his sofa once again, losing his strength to fight against the cruel joke life has given him. His eyes are staring blank and his body is shaking out of depression. He was already able to listen to Kyuhyun’s voice, looking at his eyes, kissing him. And he was supposed to meet him the next day. They were supposed to have a date. He was supposed to give Kyuhyun happiness. Kyuhyun… was supposed to be happy. And it turns out everything was just a stupid dream?
“Fuck…” Siwon trembles as his emotion build up, he pushes everything on the table, breaking and messing everything up. “Fuck fuck fuuuck!!!” He screams out loud, losing control of whatever patience left inside. His face is burning red, the expression of anger and sad are all mixed up together. “Kyuhyun was supposed to be happy! He was supposed to be happy!!”
Is there anything left to do? Siwon covers his miserable face. He feels so stupid to think that life would give fair treat to everyone. Even to someone as innocent and pure as Kyuhyun. And now that everything is back to the way it is, Siwon has to deal with the fact that Kyuhyun is still in the hospital. Lying motionless, with all of those rubber tubes and medical equipments placed into him…
The person he cares the most is still suffering as before and he cannot do anything to change that. Not even if he uses all of the money he has, not even if he sacrifices himself. It’s too late now.
His cell phone suddenly rings; one thing that successfully distracts him a bit. Waiting for some seconds, finally with heavy move, Siwon grabs the phone and takes the incoming call. “Choi Siwon…” He greets, in a very weak and lazy voice.
However, it soon changes. The information that is being delivered from across, has made him looks so shock that his face startles and his body turns paralyzed. Gathering his sense back, Siwon quickly grabs his car key and runs to the door. “I’ll be right there!”
Ban Gil Hospital…
“Eun Hyuk-Ah! Eun Hyuk!!” Choi Siwon is running through corridor like crazy, catching Eun Hyuk who is standing at the waiting hall. “What the hell happen? I came here as soon as I got the call from Hospital. There’s nothing wrong with Kyuhyun, right?”
“I was nearby and decided to pay a visit, his heart rate was getting unstable when I got here. And now… he is having seizure.”
“Seizure?! Is it serious?!!”
“I think so. Doctor Kang is still inside, it’s been half an hour.”
“I wanna see Kyuhyun.”
“You can’t, you’re not allowed.”
“Fuck it! If I wanna see him, then I will see him!”
Siwon ignores Eun Hyuk and walks toward Kyuhyun’s room. But before he steps even further, his eyes quickly witness everything that is happening inside from the square glass window of the door. Cho Kyuhyun… is that Cho Kyuhyun? His Cho Kyuhyun?
What is happening to him? Why is Kyuhyun convulsing like that?! His body is shaking wildly without control and even his mouth is foaming. Why is he suffering like that?! Make it stop… make it stop!!!
“Kyuhyun!” Siwon opens the door without permission, barging in just like that not even caring about any rule. Doctor Kang who is still busy with Kyuhyun’s condition, shouts. “Nurse! Get him out of here!”
Nurse Yuri quickly grab Siwon’s arm and pull him back to the opened door, force him to get out of the room. “You can’t enter the room! Kyuhyun-ssi is in a very serious condition right now. With you barging in like that, will only make Doctor Kang losing concentration.”
“Shut… the fuck up!!” Siwon toss Yuri’s hand from his arm and push the nurse away. Yuri almost stumbles and falls on the floor, if not Eun Hyuk quickly catch her. Even Eun Hyuk didn’t expect that to come, he never see Siwon act so violently before. Siwon can be very rude sometimes, but never physically, especially to a woman.
“It’s all your fault! You promised he would be okay! You said that leaving him for one night would be okay! You fuckin’ promised!!” Siwon snaps at her, doesn’t even care as the poor nurse is terrified because of him. “If anything bad happen to Kyuhyun… I swear I’m gonna kill you!”
Eun Hyuk tries to come in the middle. “Siwon-Ah, control yourself. You can’t blame her for Kyuhyun’s condition.”
“No, you shut up!”
Yuri can’t help but crying. “I’m sorry…” Tears of regret are coming out of her eyes like a river. “I’m sorry, Siwon-ssi…I didn’t think it would be like this. I’m so sorry…”
Siwon shut his eyes in distress and turn his body around. Although he knows that it was nobody’s fault, his fear for Kyuhyun’s life has blinded his judgment. For the first time in his confident and arrogant life, he is terrified. He cannot lose Kyuhyun, not right now, not like this.
And the thought still stays the same, Choi Siwon doesn’t really believe that God exists. That even though He is, He doesn’t care. But as Siwon sit in the waiting room for almost three hours, spending time alone waiting for Kyuhyun’s door to be opened from the inside… he decides to open his mind.
The handsome man leans on the wall behind him, with withered eyes looking up to the ceiling as if he can see through it right to the sky. To the selfish and cruel God the world has… he tries to communicate. He thinks of so many words to say, but eventually there’s only one word that slips through his beautiful lips. “Please…” Siwon whimpers. “Please… please please please…” It is against his own will. But if it’s for Kyuhyun’s life, he would do it thousand times more without regret. Begging and losing dignity, he would do it.
The door is finally opened, and Doctor Kang is the first person who walks out. He knows Siwon would wait for him outside restlessly, it doesn’t surprise him to find the young man- approaching him in panic. “Doc, how is he?!”
Doctor Kang fixes his glasses. “He has been in numerous seizures before, but I never saw him like this. This one was very traumatic and dangerous, his intracranial pressure is very high and difficult to control. We have to put more medication to prevent more swelling. Honestly… I think he’s in a critical condition.”
Thinner… why is the chance of being together gets thinner each second? Siwon is closing his eyes in desperation.
Where is that place exactly? The place where he can see Kyuhyun once again. To enjoy his smile, listen to his nervous voice, feel the softness of his skin. Siwon wants to go to the place where Kyuhyun is, although he knows it would be impossible. Because if dead people really have journey after death, then Kyuhyun would surely go to heaven and a terrible person like Siwon would only deserve hell.
Siwon has spent hours next to Kyuhyun again as soon as he was allowed to enter the room. He is sitting like a statue, motionless. His drenched eyes are staring at the horrific equipment stuck in Kyuhyun’s body. The ventilator placed in his mouth as an intubation tool to help him breathe, the tracheotomy tube that forces his lung to work, the IV tubes in his vein to deliver medication and fluid, the catheter rubber tube inside his bladder to collect his urine output…
He has suffered a lot. Kyuhyun has suffered a lot and there’s nothing Siwon could do but to continue torturing him.
Siwon takes Kyuhyun’s hand, holds it warmly inside his own hands. His face is consumed with exhaustion and despair. “You said that we would meet again, you said that you would come. I should have refused to let you take that path. Even after I begged you to stay, do you still wanna go?” The man asks. “Are you… that desperate to leave me?”
Siwon’s fingers are touching Kyuhyun’s pale cheek; caress it softly in order to transfer his feeling. “Am I wrong to be this selfish, Kyuhyun-Ah? Am I hurting you even more? What should I do then? I don’t want to lose you, I don’t want to be left alone.”
His heart hurts, his chest is tightened, his throat is choking and his eyes… are slowly producing sorrowful tears. Drop by drop, as his voice gets bitter and trembling. “There are things I haven’t been able to say to you, things that I have been stubbornly kept in the tip of my tongue for years. I need you to listen carefully, because I’m going to say it all right now…"
“Thank you… for loving me even when there was no reply. For being the only person who never gives up on me, for being the only light to my darkness. And I’m sorry…” Sobbing hard, Siwon forces himself to continue. “I’m sorry for every pain I caused. For hitting you, kicking you, yelling at you, ignoring you, for not writing you any love letter, for not walking you home… for not… uhhkh…” Siwon’s shoulders are trembling without control, as well as his voice that is shaking hard he barely able to speak. “For not telling you that I love you…”
Finally, those words were said. Finally.
Siwon lifts Kyuhyun’s hand and kiss it deeply. His wet eyes are watching at the silent Kyuhyun without any intention to waver. “Kyuhyun-Ah, did you hear what I just said? I love you…
You are my love, my life, my happiness, my pain… I love you so much it hurts. Don’t leave me. Even if you’re tired, please… please Kyuhyun-Ah… don’t leave me.” It’s the first time in his life, that he cried. In front of Kyuhyun, in front of the cruel reality, he cries so hard. Because it's thinner… the chance of being together, is felt thinner.
3 days later…
“Here, bouquet of flowers.”
“No, for you. To erase that gloomy expression of yours.” Eun Hyuk grins while giving the red roses to the pretty nurse. Yuri is still in her afternoon shift, working behind desk and looking grumpier than she used to. “Do you still feeling all upset because of the way Siwon treated you the other day? He was losing himself, he cares too much for Kyuhyun. Among all people, you ought to know better.”
“I’m not upset, I’m feeling guilty.” Yuri, taking the flowers, shrugs. “Have you seen Siwon-ssi lately? Now that Kyuhyun is in critical condition, Siwon is worse than before. He refuses to leave the room, not even a second.”
With a smug on his face, Eun Hyuk walks away from his spot. “No worries, I’m here for a mission. He’ll be better soon enough.”
It’s been a routine activity, visiting Siwon in the hospital, no matter how odd it sounds if Eun Hyuk looks back regarding his previous hate relationship with the man. It saddened him too as he opens the door and sees how Siwon looks so different than he used to be. The man… who used to be strong and active, is now weak and fragile. Sitting there while holding Kyuhyun’s hand, Siwon is completely a different person.
Siwon is turning his head left, realizes that Eun Hyuk just came. “I don’t know why they call it heartbreak. It feels like every part of my body is broken too…”
Eun Hyuk pulls a chair and sits next to Siwon. “That’s because you’ve been sleeping on a chair for days.”
“Do you bring them?” Asks Siwon all of a sudden.
“Yeah, sure.” Eun Hyuk takes out a small red box from his coat pocket. “Are you sure you wanna do this? Have you considered the possibility that maybe… maybe Kyuhyun does not approve it?”
Siwon smirks. “Who cares? I love him, what business is it of his?”
“Unbelievable. Even at this situation, you still act like a selfish bastard.” Eun Hyuk grins bitterly while handing over the red box to Siwon. “Whatever, just get this over with.”
Choi Siwon is staring at his adorable sleeping Prince. Even with all of those damn rubber tubes around and annoying sound of heart machine, Kyuhyun still manage to look so peaceful.
Siwon opens the small red box he had specifically ordered from Eun Hyuk before, witnesses as the first sparkle is seen as the box is being opened widely. There are two beautiful Ritani rings inside of the box, made out of white gold and decorated with at least ten small rare diamonds at the center part. It was designed simple yet luxurious, to show the sincerity of heart.
“This would be my first love letter to you, though technically we can’t call it letter since I only wrote it in my head.” Siwon takes a deep breath as he takes one of the rings out of the box. “I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don’t be afraid, I have loved you… for a thousand years. And I’ll love you for a thousand more.”
Eun Hyuk glares. “That’s a stupid Vampire's song lyrics.”
“Well who do you think I am? Hemingway? Making a damn love letter is difficult! I can make sarcasm easily though.”
“One time, I successfully mated a buffalo with a crab.”
“Yeah, I named it… bullshit.”
Punching Siwon’s arm, Eun Hyuk grunts. “You can’t put the ring while talking about shit, Siwon-Ah, that’s inorganic and barbaric. Now if you really love Kyuhyun, you have to do it seriously.”
Deep down inside, Siwon admits that everything Eun Hyuk said was right. Still holding Kyuhyun’s hand, he decides to close his eyes. Imagining about the past, Siwon tries to return to where time stood still. “I remember... one Autumn in high school when I was sent to the Principle office. Instead of going there, I decided to go to the back yard to take some nap. But there... I saw a boy who came first. He was sitting alone, right on top of a broken tree which looked like a bench. He was writing something, probably homework he wasn’t able to finish at home earlier.
I remember… that I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe. He was, the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The first time I saw him, was the first time I fell in love.” Siwon stops for a while, smiling. “I remember making a promise to myself that I… would make that boy mine someday. No matter what it takes.”
And then opening his eyes, Siwon continues. “And today… I’m fulfilling my own promise.” He slowly put the diamond ring onto Kyuhyun’s finger, caress it gently as the circle is fit. Siwon takes the last piece of ring and wears it too on his finger. “Cho Kyuhyun… with this, I’m making you mine. And myself, Choi Siwon, as yours.”
Siwon moves forward to give a tender kiss on Kyuhyun’s forehead. He stays there for a while, trying to hold back his tears. Will it be the beginning or the end, Siwon doesn't really mind anymore. Even if the fate doesn't approve, even if the nature against... he will never let go of Kyuhyun. No matter what.
"This too shall pass, say people. But I'm not sure I want it to pass... even if one day I have to leave you, even if one day you have to be left alone..."
***to be continued***